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That one girl's thoughts
Welcome to my crazy world <3.
Maybe, I'll start off on saying how extremely disappointed in myself I am. That's a very good start.

I thought I had everything running smoothly and going great. Until, I become a hypocrite. It's ridiculous.

Why the fuck can't I like one guy and stay liking just that one guy?! Why does everyone have to come up from the wood-work and screw with my emotions. It's not fair.

I love Daniel and I have no problem saying that to him or telling people that. But, there's a select few from my past that keep popping up and making it very hard to say no. Leave me the fuck alone..let me be! I'm suppose to be over you and it's not working. I don't know what to do.

I don't know who to tell..I just don't know anything anymore!
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I think that's a pretty good analogy. Last month was kinda crappy to say the least! Everything seemed to topple down on top of me at once.

School was stressing me out, work was stressing me out and a couple people added to that stress. I think it was a emotional overload caused by LOTS of things. I'm not saying it was anyone's fault though-- if I was I'd be blaming myself.

My life is so crazy and hectic I thought I could bring it up a notch..why not? Well, apparently I'm not suppose to. Too many hours at work and no days off burned me out really quick.

I'm glad I got the weekend before my birthday and my birthday off because it gave me a nice vacation away from stress and all that jazz.

Then that brings up the issue of turning 19. Last year being a teenager. That's kind of big! I think people overlook that too much. If you really sit down and think about it 19 is when you're suppose to start getting older but you don't know better in some cases. Then, boom! When you're 20 it's like you need to grow up more and you DO know better. It's like okay, here's your last hurrah before you have to be a more responsible adult, yaknow? I know there's people out there who are feeling exactly what I'm saying!

I apologize but I'm getting too ADD for this journal entry LOL at least it's not ages from the last one ;)
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So, I guess people DO read my journal. Whodda thunk it? Ahaha..I love saying that! Dork? Yes, very much so.

I had bunch of friends on my ass about writing in this thing. And, I was like "okayy fine I'll write something."

It even got me looking at my old journals from like 3 or 4 years ago. Gosh, so much has changed! Not so much guy drama! Wooo for that!

[This one's for you, Matt!] :D

Matt is so totally awesome..it just kinda sucks that he's halfway across the country (LOL! I so almost accidently typed cuntry..) Maybe by some weird earthquake our states will be aligned. One could only freakin' wish.

Ahh, so I'm very excited for Halloween :) Guess what I'm gonna be? Tinkerbell! Yes..the first brunette Tinkerbell. I think I can pull it off. My costume is of the hooooook.

Cause I've got some writer's block I'm gonna cut this short.

Nuff' Love, (like I use to sign it!)

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Ahaha, so I don't know why I'm writing this because I only have like two friends. And, they haven't written anything for awhile.

Well that drama isn't so apparent now. (FYI- I'm talking about the male species..LOL) I'm single. I think I'm pretty content with that. I don't have to trick myself into thinking that I'm okay with it anymore. I think that's a fairly big accomplishment.

There's several guys out there I'm liking. Nothing serious really..and I don't think there's anything wrong with that no matter what anyone says. I'm not being a player if they all know there's other guys.

It's just going to suck when I do want a relationship, I'll have to choose between some really great guys. I like them all for different reasons. If I had to choose right now I don't think I could! But, school is #1 priority right now. I'm not really saying that I'm gonna say no relationships period...but I'm not gonna go looking for one.

It's so much easier to focus on everything being single. Sure, it'd be kind of nice to have a boyfriend who I could do stuff with. But, my friends are a good outlet to have fun with and talk about certain issues with.

Well...there has been some drama. Someone freaked out on me and hurt me more then anyone has in my entire life. And, I've had some pretty brutal words said to me before. The stupid thing was I did nothing to deserve it. I'd been turning down dates cause I thought he and I were going somewhere. Well, that's not in the cards right now. So, I'm not gonna deny anyone who wants to go on a date. Haha, okay well maybe if I'm not interested in them..but you know what I mean :P
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I have no idea what the heck my freakin' problem is. I'm acting like some paranoid weirdo. I think it has something to do with my meds and it's kind of scaring me a bit =(

I got grounded from seeing anyone because I lied to my parents. I haven't seen Ash in like a month! How am I suppose to keep my relationship at least intact if I can't go see him? It's hard enough already. He lives 45 minutes away in Edmonds. I just wish sometimes he'd be here, in Kirkland. But, that's not going to happen anytime soon. I just gotta put up with it I guess.

My heart is racing and I have no idea why. Thoughts are rushing through my head and I can't stop them. I'm very tired and I can't rest because of those damn thoughts. I just wish my mind would gimmie a break! I fuckin' need it =(

I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about all this stuff though. Maybe there's some new meds I can try or something because this is getting old.

I had these manic episodes I go through. It sucks, I feel like shit for no reason..I cry for no reason and I get mad or upset for no reason at all either. I blow things outta preportion too.

I'm so screwed up I don't even know where to start! No one seems to want to help me with this. I'm just some bitch who does this and acts like this cause I feel like I want to. I just wanna make people miserable ya know? God! It's nothing like that. They just don't freakin' understand. No one understands and the ones that do don't understand it very much.

Ash doesn't want to be there for me emotionally. He just kinda tells me to suck it up. Sucking it up hasn't helped yet! I just want him to be there to listen to me! Not to sit there judge me and make snide remarks about what I'm saying. My feelings are MINE no one elses. They cannot be the judges of what I should and shouldn't feel unless they've been in my own shoes. I guarantee that most of them haven't.

I'm fed up with my life in general. I thought this relationship would blossom into something LOTS better when Ash moved here. That lasted for about a month or so then it came crashing down.

Both of us aren't afraid to admit that we're in a shitty relationship that needs LOTS of help. At least we're noticing that and not trying to hide it. We both have our problems that are kinda getting into the way.

Everyone keeps telling me that I should just move on- I shouldn't be treated this way. It's kinda too late for that. He's already got my heart and I'm sure he's not going to be letting go of it anytime soon. I just want our relationship to be normal, apparently that's too much to ask for =(

I haven't found anyone that remotely gives me the feelings that Ash has. No one that's come before him has. I don't even know how to explain the feelings but they kinda scare the shit outta me because I don't know what they are exactly. Maybe it's the feeling you get when you're in love?
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October 1st 2007

I really wish that there was some way (an easier way) to calm or even help my depression, mania, and bipolar. Sure, I take meds- they helped out A LOT when I first started taking them. Now, they still do but not to the extent I think they should. Mania not only haunts me when I’m trying to fall asleep or in my dreams but when I’m wide awake too. It’s a horrible feeling! My mind races through thoughts so crazily that my emotions can’t keep up. One day I’m floating on cloud 9 and the next I’m crying because of some negative feelings.

All I want is someone who’ll pay attention to me! Parents, other family, friends, and or even my boyfriend would do! I don’t get that so I do stupid things to get attention- negative or positive. If someone gets angry with me then at least I got their attention. It really hurts when I don’t get it, like a broken-heart. They probably don’t even realize it yet though. I don’t even think my boyfriend would care  He’d probably think I’m trying to make an excuse for how horrible of a girlfriend I currently am. I give up in arguments and fights because the negative attention gets old and it hurts after awhile.

I’m a huge talker. I love and like to talk about my feelings and emotions. Most of the people I’m around, I feel that they don’t. So, I just lock ‘em up and throw away the key. They’re just silly stupid thoughts that make no sense in situation at all apparently.

My mom and dad always say that I can talk to them- how is that going to happen between sleeping constantly, working odd hours, and having other things on their mind? Even if I felt comfortable enough to pull them aside, why would I wanna bring more shit into their already huge pile of emotional heartache? They got enough on their shoulders already! I’m supposed to be the responsible older sister! I’m supposed to set an example by being a good role-model! I’m not supposed to have issues and problems that distort the “good girl” image I’m suppose to withhold. What about me?! Am I allowed to be getting the positive attention? Or, do I have to get the negative attention because I’m such a fucking screw-up?

My boyfriend is a lost cause- it’s been that way for awhile. He’s “too busy” to take part in being there for me emotionally. I’m just some girl he doesn’t know why he loves. I say things that aren’t true or lie to him because, even though it’s negative attention I’ll be getting, I at least get that much. I don’t want it to be negative because it pushes us backwards another set of steps. I get no positive attention from him. I’m just a total screw up. Why doesn’t he just dump me so I can be miserable on my own without having to fool myself into believing that one day he’ll wake up and suddenly give me that positive attention that I use to get from him a long time ago. Sure, he says I love you but only when we’re leaving to get off the phone or computer or when he’s apologizing for something he did wrong or that he’s sorry for.

I get the occasional “hun” or “baby” but it’s just the way he is. It’s like nicknames that he calls me. I get the occasional “bitch” once in awhile too. I’ve learned not to take it too personally or there will most certainly be a huge argument or fight. I don’t know if I’m pretty or sweet anymore because I haven’t gotten told that I am sincerely in ages. I have to guess that somehow he finds my fat ass somewhat attractive and he likes my personality or he wouldn’t be with me.

It’s hard for a fat chick like myself to believe that the hot guy standing in front of me is really my boyfriend who wants to eventually marry me. I have probably the worst self-esteem of myself. I’m not skinny-bitch that guys like Ash usually go for and find hot. I don’t have perfect skin like those celebrities or models have. I don’t have a lot to offer. I’m beginning to think Ash believes that too. He never mentions good qualities about me anymore. It’s always how pretty, beautiful, or hot some other girl is; not me. It really hurts! It doesn’t hurt because he can notice some girl who is pretty, it hurts because it feels like he knows there’s hotter & better girls then me and he’s just waiting for an opportunity to dump me and go for one of them.

I think he’s realizing how bad of a catch I am. It really hurts but what can I do about it? Nothing. I’ll probably pretend I don’t care and forget about it til it’s too late.

I don’t get why people like me. I’m such a screw up and I can’t do anything right. I try and I just set myself up for disappointment 

I just wanna know that someone does see my good qualities and they’d point them out once in awhile. Not just the bad ones on a regular basis. Am I really just that horrible? Is that why I don’t have someone like that? I’m beginning to think so…
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Everyone gets after me for not updating LOL. So I figured I would.

A lot of freakin' things have happened. It's been one crazy summer. But, I wouldn't change it for the world!

Ash &&&& I met June 23rd when he got here. It was amazinggg. Seriously, can't even explain it. My heart started beating pretty damn fast &&& I knew that it was gonna be plural with us.

Well, yesterday I went to Wild Waves with Amber & Ash. The rest of the youth group was there too. It was pretty freakin' sweet! I got sunburned on my face and a couple other places.

Everything has been pretty nice recently though. My summer is going super great &&& friends, family ect. are great.

I'm not going to Lake Washington High School anymore though. I'm going to the Technical College to get my diploma & certificate. It's going to be really hard but I'm ready!

Summer is so-so for me right now. I really don't want it to end but then again- I want to start school again because it gave me something to do. I love the ability to stay up late during summer though. Best thing EVER.

Well- I'm headed to bed though because I'm really tired. I'll try to update later or something. If not, be patient =P

Mucho Amoree <33333.

Current Mood: calm calm
Current Music: Baby, We're Invincible - A Rocket To The Moon

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I promised I'd never talk to him again because he "broke my heart" goddamn. How does one exactly know that it's a broken heart she's suffering?

Someone should tell me because I'm not completely sure. Things are going OK now. Better then they were.

I'm just being tired and stressed out.

I helped my ex move. I don't even wanna BEGIN to explain that story. It was horrible. He told us he was almost finished packing up. I get there expecting to just help load-up the U-Haul and be on our way.

BAD THINKING. He didn't get any of it done! I wanted to freakin' slap the kid across the head and ask him what he was thinking. I spent freakin' more then 6 hours helping him pack and un-load.

What do I get? Grumpiness and shit. OK- so he's under stress?! I am too! God forbid I actually act like my age and have some fuckin' fun! I'm too nice and it got the best of me this time. My back hurts and I pulled a muscle in my entire leg.

Oh, I get to be the lucky one who gets to work all fuckin' weekend hurting.

I kind of got off track...

Anyway. I talked to Josh. He called.

I just don't know if it's for real this time. I told myself I'm going to be carefree and not worry about a single guy. Just have fun & be friends for the time being.

Is my heart allowing me to do that? No I question and think too deeply. I like him...okay so I like my friends. Why is it any different?

Because this kid knows what I want to hear. He's a Cassanova. Modern Romeo if you will...

He knows how exactly to melt me into a dithering mess. I get my words messed up. I talk to fast & I make a fool of myself.

I LOVE spending time with him. We just were so spontanous with what we did. We randomly ended up driving to the park and just walking around and talking. Then we randomly found ourselves eating at a Mexican resturant, and then found ourselves at the lake throwing pebbles into the water like little kids.

He held me and I got dizzy. He kissed me and my knees would turn to jelly. He looked into my eyes and held my face in his hands and told me things that made the whole world stop and revolve around us.

I don't know how long it's been since a guy has been that genuine towards me. I felt literally- like a princess. How cheesey it may sound to me now- it was the absolute truth. It made me forget about EVERYTHING.

You see, Josh has this energy that is so contagious and it caught onto me. If he could have fun why the fuck couldn't I?

Friends huh? Well... looks like that for now. Who knows what it'll morph into. I just know I'm gonna remain friends with him even if nothing goes on between us.

By the way... I've never kissed a guy and gotten so much spark & energy rush over me like I did with Josh.

It's hard to explain the way I felt. I felt dizzy. But a good dizzy. I knew he was going to catch me if I fell too.

I sometimes wonder if he knows what he does to me. I think so the more I think about it.

I don't know how he feels about me but it must be something. We can talk for HOURS and HOURS about the randomest bullshit.

My heart's telling me I need to stick with this one. No matter where it goes I'm ready! (Or at least I think so..)

Get ready cause I'm about to have some fun!

No one or anything is going to stop me.

Sometimes, I think it's really all about you. You don't take care of yourself how the heck are you going to "take care" of someone else.

Think about it... :)

Current Mood: high high
Current Music: Satellites - September

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'Kay so this journal is going to be friends only for awhile. Some of it just might be too personal.

I'm not picky. Just add me :)
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