October 1st 2007
I really wish that there was some way (an easier way) to calm or even help my depression, mania, and bipolar. Sure, I take meds- they helped out A LOT when I first started taking them. Now, they still do but not to the extent I think they should. Mania not only haunts me when I’m trying to fall asleep or in my dreams but when I’m wide awake too. It’s a horrible feeling! My mind races through thoughts so crazily that my emotions can’t keep up. One day I’m floating on cloud 9 and the next I’m crying because of some negative feelings.
All I want is someone who’ll pay attention to me! Parents, other family, friends, and or even my boyfriend would do! I don’t get that so I do stupid things to get attention- negative or positive. If someone gets angry with me then at least I got their attention. It really hurts when I don’t get it, like a broken-heart. They probably don’t even realize it yet though. I don’t even think my boyfriend would care He’d probably think I’m trying to make an excuse for how horrible of a girlfriend I currently am. I give up in arguments and fights because the negative attention gets old and it hurts after awhile.
I’m a huge talker. I love and like to talk about my feelings and emotions. Most of the people I’m around, I feel that they don’t. So, I just lock ‘em up and throw away the key. They’re just silly stupid thoughts that make no sense in situation at all apparently.
My mom and dad always say that I can talk to them- how is that going to happen between sleeping constantly, working odd hours, and having other things on their mind? Even if I felt comfortable enough to pull them aside, why would I wanna bring more shit into their already huge pile of emotional heartache? They got enough on their shoulders already! I’m supposed to be the responsible older sister! I’m supposed to set an example by being a good role-model! I’m not supposed to have issues and problems that distort the “good girl” image I’m suppose to withhold. What about me?! Am I allowed to be getting the positive attention? Or, do I have to get the negative attention because I’m such a fucking screw-up?
My boyfriend is a lost cause- it’s been that way for awhile. He’s “too busy” to take part in being there for me emotionally. I’m just some girl he doesn’t know why he loves. I say things that aren’t true or lie to him because, even though it’s negative attention I’ll be getting, I at least get that much. I don’t want it to be negative because it pushes us backwards another set of steps. I get no positive attention from him. I’m just a total screw up. Why doesn’t he just dump me so I can be miserable on my own without having to fool myself into believing that one day he’ll wake up and suddenly give me that positive attention that I use to get from him a long time ago. Sure, he says I love you but only when we’re leaving to get off the phone or computer or when he’s apologizing for something he did wrong or that he’s sorry for.
I get the occasional “hun” or “baby” but it’s just the way he is. It’s like nicknames that he calls me. I get the occasional “bitch” once in awhile too. I’ve learned not to take it too personally or there will most certainly be a huge argument or fight. I don’t know if I’m pretty or sweet anymore because I haven’t gotten told that I am sincerely in ages. I have to guess that somehow he finds my fat ass somewhat attractive and he likes my personality or he wouldn’t be with me.
It’s hard for a fat chick like myself to believe that the hot guy standing in front of me is really my boyfriend who wants to eventually marry me. I have probably the worst self-esteem of myself. I’m not skinny-bitch that guys like Ash usually go for and find hot. I don’t have perfect skin like those celebrities or models have. I don’t have a lot to offer. I’m beginning to think Ash believes that too. He never mentions good qualities about me anymore. It’s always how pretty, beautiful, or hot some other girl is; not me. It really hurts! It doesn’t hurt because he can notice some girl who is pretty, it hurts because it feels like he knows there’s hotter & better girls then me and he’s just waiting for an opportunity to dump me and go for one of them.
I think he’s realizing how bad of a catch I am. It really hurts but what can I do about it? Nothing. I’ll probably pretend I don’t care and forget about it til it’s too late.
I don’t get why people like me. I’m such a screw up and I can’t do anything right. I try and I just set myself up for disappointment
I just wanna know that someone does see my good qualities and they’d point them out once in awhile. Not just the bad ones on a regular basis. Am I really just that horrible? Is that why I don’t have someone like that? I’m beginning to think so…